


Alone Again and Broken

by Rivermoon1970



Series: Beautiful Submission [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Asexual Gideon, Dom!Gideon, Dom/sub, M/M, Non-Sexual Submission, sub!Hotch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 12:58:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9236186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivermoon1970/pseuds/Rivermoon1970
Summary: Aaron's Dom, Jason Gideon, leaves him after years of having a platonic Dom/sub relationship. At the same time, his wife leaves him with an infant son to care for. Aaron is floundering and tries to bury his feelings and move on, but he is finding it more difficult than he ever imagined.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is canon-divergent Reid is not on the team. His life took a different path.

Aaron was standing at his window drinking the bit of scotch that he had poured himself after he had gotten home. He was glad the nanny was still there, he didn’t think he could face his son at the moment. His hand went to his neck and touched where the collar he used to wear sat. He was angry, sad, and his heart was broken in so many pieces he wasn’t sure if it could ever be put back together.

“Mr. Hotchner?” The nanny called out as she walked into the living room.

“Yes, Annie?”

“Jack is sleeping. I think he’s settled for the night. I’ll be going to bed in a bit, but if you need me for anything, please let me know.”

“No, it’s alright. I can take it from here.” He didn’t turn around, and he knew it might have been rude, but he couldn’t face anyone at the moment. He took another sip and told himself that this was going to be the only one. He didn’t want to emulate his own father and start to drink to cope. He wanted to always be there for Jack, to put him first. However, the longer he stood there, the more his thoughts turned inward as the memory of what happened just a few days prior weighed heavy on his mind.

_“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Aaron frowned as his breath hitched and his stomach churned at Jason’s words, and he was having a hard time comprehending them._

_“I have to Aaron...that...that could have been you, and I know I wouldn’t have survived that. Sara was a good friend, and she meant a lot to me, but you…” Jason turned away as his shoulder slumped, the Dom, Aaron’s Dom and best friend was broken, possibly beyond repair._

_Aaron was normally a strong man, submitting because he often needed to get out of his head and when Jason offered all those years ago to help him, Aaron didn’t give it a second thought. A part of him wanted to beg, to plead for him to stay. He needed Jason, as more than just a friend._

_“Jason, please, don’t leave. I get if you need to leave the Bureau, but you’re leaving me, how can you do this?”_

_Jason turned around and walked back to Aaron and reached out to grip his chin tight._

_“I have to let you go,” was the only thing he would say. The kiss was tender and loving and it was breaking Aaron’s heart. Aaron wanted to protest and get angry when Jason took off the collar from around his neck. Aaron now knew why Jason had unlocked it just after getting back from Flagstaff. Then when Jason walked out the door Aaron dropped to his knees and tried to hold in the pain of being left by yet another person._

Swiping angrily at his eyes, Aaron finished his drink then went to go check on his son. Looking down at the boy, he smiled softly as he gently touched the sleeping baby’s cheek. He wanted to be strong for Jack, and in time maybe he could find some healing. Right now, though, he would try to live for his son.

After making sure the boy stayed asleep, Aaron went to his room and looked around. Little remnants of both his wife and his Dom were all around. A shirt that wasn’t his, pictures, the collar Jason had given him years ago. He fingered it as it sat there, mocking him. It hadn’t been an easy decision when Jason had found out Aaron’s needs, quite by accident one day. He had been on the phone with a Dom he had been close to just before he and Haley had gotten married. The walls of that hotel they were in were thin. After the call, there was a knock on his door.

_“Gideon, is there a development in the case?” Aaron asked, confused why his boss was at his door._

_“No. Can I come in?”_

_Aaron frowned, but opened his door to let Gideon into his room. The look in the older man’s eyes had Aaron’s knees almost buckling. They stood looking at each other, assessing each other till Jason made a bold move._

_“Kneel.” Aaron remembered how his heart raced as his eyes widened and like the trained sub he was, he flowed to his knees as his breath quickened. Jason grabbed a chair and positioned himself in front of Aaron._

_“Take off your tie, Aaron.” His hands had shaken as he did what Jason had commanded of him.  “Undo your shirt till I tell you to stop.” Aaron didn’t take his eyes off Jason as he did whatever was asked of him. When he got to the fourth button, he was told to stop._

_“I heard some of your conversation. Tell me, what is your arrangement?”_

_Aaron’s eyes widened even more and a part of him wanted to look down, to let his submissive side come out, but he didn’t. He took a moment before he swallowed hard._

_“Haley knows about Thomas. She’s known since college. I told her about...my needs and as long as it was a man, and not a female Domme, she would try to accept it.”_

_“But now?”_

_“Thomas is leaving DC. I ah, I need…” Aaron looked down and tried to control himself, but the emotions of losing his Dom was almost too much._

_“You need a new Dom.”_

_“It...it isn’t that simple Jason.”_

_“I’m offering Hotch.”_

_“To, to be...why?”_

_Jason moved closer and cupped Aaron’s cheek._

_“I care about you, and I don’t want to see you going out to the places I know you’d go to. You’d be safe with me Hotch.”_

_They talked the rest of the night, came to agreements and Jason left to go to his room. Aaron slipped into bed feeling more settled with the knowledge that he could trust Jason completely. They already had a good working relationship, and outside work they often got together for a drink or dinner at his place. It may have been sudden, but Aaron knew it could work._

Their relationship developed over time. They never had penetrative sex, but there was a sexual component, he never left Aaron with unanswered needs. It had been perfect, and a deep platonic bond had formed between them. Aaron could honestly say that he loved Jason and now he was gone, just as Haley was. He felt the pain and the depression seeping in, but knew he had to get through this if he was to be the kind of father to Jack that he wanted to be.

Letting some of those emotions leak out, Aaron put the collar away in the box he had for it. The last few years he rarely left the house without it on. That was one of the main reasons he wore button ups and ties. It had helped settle him on more than one occasion knowing it was there. Especially after the events in Georgia where he had taken on much of the guilt for JJ’s capture. He wiped at the tears that fell as he buried the box in one of his drawers. He didn’t want to look at it. He should have known something was wrong when Jason had unlocked the small lock at the back of the collar. Deep down, Aaron knew that was the beginning of the end.

Getting changed and slipping into bed Aaron shored up his heart. He couldn’t let the rest of the team see what this was doing to him, no one had known or suspected about the relationship and he wanted to keep it that way. It was private, between him and Jason. No one else needed to know. The next day was going to be difficult and Aaron knew he just needed to get through it.

_____________________________

“Before we get started, I just want to say that I don’t know what all of this was about. Gideon...he was important to all of us and I think he let too much in lately. I can’t say that I know his mind, I don’t, but what we have to do now is move on, move forward.

“JJ, the case?” Aaron took a breath as he sat down and let JJ take over the briefing. The case was going to be difficult. The victims didn’t have much in common, but Aaron was confident in the team he had, they each had excellent skill sets, and he knew they would succeed with or without Jason.

“Alright, we’ll discuss more on the plane. Wheels up in 30.” Aaron stood and gathered his things then moved into his own office. He didn’t want to look at Jason’s, it hurt too much, but he couldn’t show any emotion, not now, not when the team needed him to be strong.

“Hotch?” The knock on his door had him turning around to see Morgan standing in his doorway.

“Yes, Morgan?” He straightened up as he kept his focus on putting files in his briefcase.

“Look, I know what Gideon meant to you, how close you two were, if you need to talk I’m here.”

Aaron took a deep breath and kept his mask firmly in place.

“Thank you, Morgan.” He left it at that and grabbed his things, and started towards the elevators, with Morgan trailing behind.

Fears. The case had to be about fears and his were there practically fighting to get free. He tamped down hard as they worked through the case and found the psychologist who suffered a psychotic break because of his own fears. Aaron had been confronted by the Doctor about some of his fears, like not always being able to save the people they were trying to save. When the man flung himself off the roof and committed suicide, those failures that Aaron took too much to heart came back to haunt him. He thought of Jason and felt like he had failed his Dom. He thought of JJ, who was still in therapy over what happened with her at the hands of Tobias Hankel and felt like he failed her. He thought of the events in Flagstaff and closed his eyes and tamped down on the emotions that churned up over those events. He knew he was in his head too much when he heard Morgan calling his name.

“Hotch, you okay man?”

Aaron took a deep breath and nodded as he pulled away from the railing.

“Yeah, let’s get this over with.” He swallowed hard as he made his way down to the ground. There was going to be a lot of paperwork to fill out and all he wanted to do was go to his hotel room and lay down to try to forget for a little while.

Thankfully the paperwork didn’t take long and the team was all heading back to the hotel in just a couple of short hours.

“Try to get some sleep everyone.” Aaron said as they all entered the hotel, but Aaron waylaid JJ before they headed up. “JJ, I know we haven’t been able to talk for a while. I want to know how you’re doing.”

JJ smiled softly and laid a hand on Aaron’s arm, “I’m doing better Hotch. I promise. The talks with the Psychologist are helping and no, I’m not circumventing them. I’m doing the work.”

“Good. I’m here Jayje, if you ever need to talk.”

“I know Hotch.” He felt her watching him for a moment. “How are you? I know Gideon leaving can’t be easy.”

Aaron took a deep breath as he looked to the side a moment, then looked back at JJ.

“I’m fine JJ.” He really wasn’t fine at all, but what could he tell her? That two people he had loved both left him behind? That he felt like he was drowning and there was no one to catch him? That he felt on the verge of depression, or worse, a slow descent into subdrop? He couldn’t voice these things, couldn’t be seen as weak in front of his team.

“You sure Hotch?”

“I’m sure. Come on, let’s get some rest.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

Aaron had a restless night, getting up every couple of hours trying to settle, but he just couldn’t. He knew he was in his head too much which was making sleep impossible. The next day he was exhausted, emotionally and mentally, by the time they boarded the plane to leave. He was glad that no one tried to talk to him, he wasn’t in the mood. He sat at the back of the plane and worked on his files, missing Jason and their after case discussions. Rolling his neck to try to relieve the tension, he didn’t look up till someone was sitting in the seat in front of him.

“I want to know if you’re doing alright,” Morgan said as he leaned forward.

“I’m okay Morgan. It’s going to take me a bit to get used to him being gone, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. Strauss is already on me to look for a new Assistant Agent in Charge.”

“Damn she moves fast.” Morgan frowned at the thought of someone new coming into the unit.

“Don’t worry Morgan, I’m going to be careful on who I choose.”

“It’s not that, man. It’s just, you and Gideon, you guys were what held us together. Did I think he was losing it? Yeah, but….”

  
“I know, I know. He should have tried to let us help him, but you know how he was, he kept so much to himself. I’m sorry Morgan.”

“Not your fault Hotch. Just want to make sure you’re good, that’s all.”

Aaron gave him a small smile and nodded.

“I am. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” The lies rolled off his tongue easier than they should have.

“Alright. Just if you need to talk.”

“Thank you, Morgan.”

Aaron gave him a small smile and got back to his files. He needed to shore up his feelings or they were going to leak out and show to others. He didn’t know what he was going to do, if he was going to seek out a new Dom, or go to one of the clubs that Gideon had kept him away from all these years. All he knew was that he was going to need something to help center him, and he needed to do it soon.

The plane landed which brought him out of his thoughts as he gathered up his things to leave, he thought about what this team had been through and how each thing had made them stronger. He watched the camaraderie between them as they teased each other and made plans to go out for drinks. On occasion he had gone out with them and always had fun. With a baby at home to take care of now, it had become less likely that he would go out. A part of him ached to go with them though, to be a part of something again, but instead he sighed and headed towards his car.

_“What’s this?” Haley glared as she touched the collar that surrounded his neck._

_“It’s a collar,” Aaron said matter-of-fact. He was trying not to make a big deal out of it when it really was, to him at least._

_“And why are you wearing a collar?” Her sharp tone had Aaron’s already fragile state on the breaking point. After Perotta he had needed the comforting weight of the collar around his neck. He closed his eyes and gripped the counter trying not to let it show that her attitude bothered him. He did not want another fight._

_“I needed it. This case was a bad one and I needed it to ground me.”_

_“Then take it off.”_

_“No.”_

_“No? It’s his isn’t it? Some kind of claim on you?”_

_Aaron stood and crossed his arms as he glared at his wife._

_“And if it is? If I want it to be?”_

_“Jesus Christ Aaron, you still don’t see it do you?”_

_“I’ve worn it off and on for years now Haley, and you are just noticing it?”_

_“Fine, just don’t touch me while you have it on.” She growled as she stomped off. Aaron was tired of fighting, tired of explaining as his hand went to the thin leather that sat just tight enough for it to feel comforting, but loose enough to breathe. With Jason he could just breathe and be himself. He didn’t have to hide, or be strong. He could let go and not be Hotch._

_He took a deep breath, heard Jack’s soft cries and Haley shuffling around. He looked towards the stairs, then turned, grabbed his keys and left to go to the only place he knew that just let him breathe._

Aaron dressed for the night. He checked to make sure Annie would be fine for the couple of hours he would be gone. He wore the tight jeans that left little to the imagination, a black tight t-shirt, the leather jacket and the play collar. Looking at himself in the mirror he was trying to let himself believe he was doing the right thing.

By the time he stepped into the club, he was feeling more settled. He donned the mask that every patron wore and made his way to the bar. He wanted a clear head, and the red wrist band he wore told others he was there to play. If it had been green, it would me he was there to observe only, and a yellow meant he was unsure. Red and yellow bands meant either no alcohol, or one of the many alcohol free ales or wines the club offered. Aaron ordered just a soda and kept his drink in sight of him the whole time. He glanced out at the bodies writhing on the dance floor, following the beat of the hard driving music. He took a sip of his drink and wondered what Morgan would think of him being in a club, let alone a BDSM club.

“You’re new.”

Aaron turned to look at the Dom that had taken up the stool next to him.

“I am.”

“What are you looking for?”

“To get out of my head for a while. I’m not looking for a hook-up.”

“I’m not either. I’m very happily married, but my partner knows my needs and accepts them. We can help each other.” The man had a nice look to him and Aaron appreciated the air of _DOM_ around him. It was effortless, the man wasn’t trying to assert his will, he was letting Aaron decide.

“Okay.”

“Okay. Let me take care of you, even if for just a couple of hours.”

Aaron almost dropped to his knees right there, but he would wait till they were in one of the upper rooms that the club rented out as hotel rooms. He stood and let the Dom take his hand and lead him. He knew he’d be better for it, he just wished, not for the first time in the last few weeks, that it was someone else.

_________________________

The ache in his muscles was a pleasant ache and Aaron was still riding the high of the night before. He never asked the Dom’s name, and he never gave his. The man was good and kept to Aaron’s limits and never pushed for sex. He had asked if he wanted to get Aaron off, but he said no, that he would take care of it after the Dom left.

He was finishing up looking over the files of candidates for Jason’s replacement, which was just a kick to his gut. He didn’t _want_ a replacement, he _wanted_ Jason back. But, like many things in his life he wasn’t going to get what he wanted. Rubbing his forehead he set the last file aside and caught the name on it. _David Rossi_ why the hell would Dave want to come back? Aaron wasn’t sure, but he’d see if the man had talked to Strauss at all. He leaned back in his chair and rolled his neck around, trying to understand why he felt like everything was so closed in. He wanted to undo his tie and unbutton his shirt, but he didn’t, he took a deep breath and tried to get back to work. A moment later Aaron’s alarm went off and he looked down at his phone and realized he had scheduled time with Derek for a workout and some sparring. A part of him didn’t want to go, but he knew he needed to keep things normal. He just needed to look normal.

Sighing he took off his jacket and laid it over his office chair, then went down to the gym. He went to his locker and quickly changed. When he walked out to the sparring mat, Derek was there waiting for him.

“Hey, you ready?” Derek grinned as he crouched into a fighting stance.

“Give it your best.” Aaron grinned back, pushing down everything he had been going through lately and just concentrated on Derek.

They went at it, sparring hard with each other. Aaron wasn’t paying attention when Derek landed a particularly hard jab to his side. He hit one of the healing whip marks from the night before and almost doubled over from the pain in the bruised area.

“Hotch?” The concern in Derek’s voice almost made Aaron back off, but all he did was double over and take a few deep breaths.

“I’m fine, come on let’s go.”

Derek frowned a moment but Aaron ignored it and started to go at it again. Derek then hit another tender area and this time Aaron did go down on his knees, his shirt hitched up a little and before he could stop Derek the man pushed it up more.

“What the hell?”

Aaron rolled to where he was sitting on his ass with his knees up to his chest.

“It’s fine Morgan.”

“No that isn’t fine Hotch. Did you get attacked?”

“No. Please, leave it alone Morgan.”

“Hotch, if someone hurt you then you gotta say somethin’ man.”

Aaron closed his eyes as he felt them become wet, he tried to control his breathing as he gripped his hands together around his legs.

“I’m fine Morgan,” Aaron said more emphatically this time, trying to get the man to back off.

“Hotch, come on man, talk to me. If someone hurt you, I want to help.”

Aaron rolled his head around his shoulders and turned to look at the wall.

_“Can you take more?” Jason whispered in his ear, holding the flogger in his hand, Aaron kneeling with no shirt on and his arms in restraints that stretched him out. The tight leather pants almost acting like a cock cage not letting him get hard._

_“Yes,” Aaron panted as his head dropped to his chest. Gentle hands caressed his shoulders, ten more strikes, each one pushing him further and further out of his head, making everything just stop. He was sweating and shaking from the effort, his muscles straining to keep holding him up._

_“You’re beautiful like this...I could…” But Jason never finished what he was going to say, though Aaron suspected he knew. He let it go, let it stay unspoken between them, this thing that they had they never talked about._

_Soft lips touched his shoulder as a hand caressed his hair and it was all almost too much as the emotions he was trying to purge got stuck in his throat. The words he wanted to say, the feelings he wanted to share just wouldn’t come. He wouldn’t allow himself to say them, he didn’t want to believe that there could ever be a chance for them outside of this thing they shared._

_“How are you Aaron?” Jason gripped his chin in a hard, unyielding hold as he was made to look up._

_“Green, Sir,” he whispered as his eyes became unfocused._

_Jason let him go and took up the riding crop._

Aaron came out of the memory and tried not to let himself _feel._ He just wanted all the pain to go away. He wasn’t aware that he had made a noise till Morgan was in front of him sitting back on his heels, hands on his knees.

“Hotch, talk to me,” his voice gentle, _his victim voice_ Hotch thought as he blinked a few times before he looked right at Morgan. _I’m not a damned victim_ he wanted to say. He looked at Morgan and in that moment it was all just too much. He wanted to yell, to scream, to fight, to.... _not feel_.

“I _asked_ for it Morgan. Okay? Can you please just drop it?”

“Hotch,” Morgan frowned a moment and Aaron knew there was a misunderstanding of his words. “You of all people should know that no one asks for this. If someone is hurting you, is Haley hurting you?” It wasn’t unheard of for women to be abusers they had seen it plenty of times.

“No, Morgan just please leave it alone.” Aaron hadn’t told the team that Haley had left, that she had left months ago and the divorce was in its final stages. The papers had shown up to his house the day he had found out Jason was gone.

“I can’t let this go Aaron. You haven’t been yourself for a while. We need to trust you man, out there, we need to trust you and know that you have our backs.”

Aaron knew Morgan wasn’t going to let it go. Once he got something in his teeth he worried it to death. He thought maybe he should tell someone else, let it all go but it wasn’t easy, he buried everything so deep that words often got stuck along with the emotions. The only way he knew how to let go, let the words out was pain. With a sneer on his face he glared at Morgan as he slowly stood and watched when Morgan did too, then he struck out.

The fight didn’t last long, Morgan had already figured out where he was mostly tender and used that to his advantage. Before Aaron knew it he was wrapped tightly in Derek’s arms and legs. He struggled to get loose, but Derek had the advantage.

“Hotch! Stop! Just stop, and talk to me,” Derek growled as he tightened his hold on his boss, his _friend._

Aaron stopped struggling and didn’t stop when the tears finally broke through. Derek slowly let him go and he just deflated.

“There are things I’ve never talked about. Not because I don’t trust you, any of you but because it was private.” Wiping his eyes Aaron stood and walked over to one of the benches and sat, head down and breathing hard he looked to the side as Derek sat next to him.

“I meant what I said Morgan. I asked for what you saw.” Taking a deep breath he sat up and gripped his fingers in his workout pants to try to ground himself. He then told his story to Morgan. By the time he was done he didn’t want to look at Morgan, didn’t want to see the derision he just knew was going to be there.

“Hotch…” Morgan wiped his face to settle before he looked over at his boss. “I always knew there was something between you and Gideon. Can I ask, and you don’t have to tell me, but was it sexual?”

“No, no we never had sex. I think if we had...it would have ruined us, whatever it was we had…” Aaron clamped his jaw as he fought the swell of emotions.

“You loved him, didn’t you?”

Aaron nodded as he looked down at his feet.

“Yes, and all I can think about some days is how much I want him _here_ and he isn’t.”

“I’m here, the team is still here, let us in Aaron.” Derek sat up and took another deep breath. “You should have told us about Haley, Hotch. We would have been there for you. To go through all this alone, you shouldn’t have to.”

“Thank you Morgan. I appreciate it.”

“I just can’t believe he’d leave you like this. Leave us.”

“Neither can I. I’m ah...going to take a shower and get back. I have a new ASAC to pick.” Aaron stood and left the gym, not wanting to talk anymore. He’d exposed more of himself than he ever wanted to, but a part of him felt relieved.

_He was hard. He hadn’t meant to let it happen, but the letting go, the pain, falling into that space that he sought when life had gotten too much all contributed to his erection. Jason was gently wiping the sweat from him, checking to make sure he hadn’t been too hard and broke no skin. He was lying down on the bed and felt so very safe in Jason’s care. He was trying not to rub against the bedding under him, but his very nerve endings felt alive and electric and Jason’s careful aftercare wasn’t helping._

_“Turn over.” Aaron did without even thinking. This was only the third time they had done this, and Aaron was still getting comfortable being naked in front of his boss, his friend, his Dom._

_“Do you trust me Aaron?” Jason asked softly as he continued to wipe the sweat from Aaron’s skin. There wasn’t any way that he was going to make it to the shower, he’d have to wait till morning._

_“Yes.” The word was out of his mouth before he could consider what Jason meant and before his brain caught-up he felt a slick hand wrapped around his aching cock._

_“Sir,” Aaron started to protest, but a reassuring hand on his hip and a small smile from Jason let him know that this was just for him, part of taking care of him and it humbled him in that moment. He relaxed back on the bed and nodded his acceptance._

_When his body stiffened and he came in Jason’s hand he reached out to return the favor, unsure of himself in that moment, but a hand stilled him._

_“No, I don’t need it. My satisfaction comes from taking care of you. Just rest Aaron.” Jason stood and went to clean-up then came back in the room, placed a gentle kiss on Aaron’s forehead, then left. Not even with Thomas, or even Haley had he felt so cared for and a part of him broke a little at the knowledge that someone out there did care for him so profoundly that it transcended sex or even love._

Aaron stood under the hot water letting it fall over him as he let the tears he had been holding back on fell, he let them mingle with the water so no one could see if they happened to come in. He tilted his head up and let the water run over his face, then shored up his heart. He let it out as much as he was going to. Talking to Morgan had helped, had let him voice what he had been going through, and now, he could once again bury it and move on.

_____________________

David Rossi wanted to come back to the BAU and Aaron wasn’t sure what he felt about that. While Dave was one of his best friends the complications from his time at the Bureau were far reaching. First and foremost the no fraternization rules. Second, he had suspected that something had been going on between him and Jason, though neither man admitted anything when Dave tried to pry into their private lives. Third, Dave was a nosy bastard. He knew the man was going to poke and prod at him every chance he got, especially when it came to Haley and why they divorced. Aaron was staring at his file trying to get a handle on his feelings about working with Dave again when there was a knock on his door. He looked up and saw the man himself standing there in the doorway.

Putting on a genuine smile Aaron stood and went around his desk to give Dave a hug.

“What’s it been?” Dave asked as they stood looking fondly at each other.

“Two years, since that dinner you invited me to.”

“Too long.”

“Come in.” Aaron moved back so that Dave could come further into the room.

“Well, it seems I’m not needed here. I will let you two talk and get reaquainted.” Strauss nodded once then left them alone.

Aaron took a moment then walked back around and sat with Dave settling into a chair in front of his desk. They eyed each other for a moment then Aaron broke the silence.

“Tell me, why do you really want to come back here Dave?”

“Would you believe me if I said I missed it?”

Aaron lifted his brows and shook his head.

“No. You don’t do anything without a good reason.”

“I just need this Aaron.”

Aaron studied Dave for a bit and couldn’t deny that he liked the idea of him coming back, but he also knew it was going to be hard for him to slide into a team dynamic.

“You know everything has changed. We work as a team now, not on individual cases.”

Aaron felt like Dave was scrutinizing him and it was more than just about the job. Dave always had that ability to look deeper at a situation. Him and Jason were very much opposite sides of the same coin, they both had the ability to look deeper, to get inside the heads of the UnSubs. Maybe that was why he left, getting into their heads too much, seeing what they saw, what Aaron could sometimes see. It didn’t make it easier that he could understand where Jason was coming from.

“Aaron?” Dave narrowed his eyes at him.

“Sorry, when the rest of the team gets here, I’ll introduce you. Jason’s…” Aaron couldn’t help almost choking on his name and he _knew_ Dave was going to pick up on that and not let it go.

Silently Dave stood up and shut the door then closed the blinds.

“So, are you now ready to tell me what was really going on with you and Jason? And, Aaron don’t lie because that would be insulting to both of us.”

Aaron leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath.

“What did you suspect?”

“I know it wasn’t sexual. Though Jason and Elizabeth had a son, what most don’t know is that Jason was on the asexual spectrum. I also know that he hardly talked about it, but he was a Dominant.”

Aaron breathed deep and laced his hands together and kept himself calm.

“We had a relationship.” Aaron kept his eyes locked with Dave’s, “He was my Dom and I wore his collar up till a week before he disappeared. We never had sex, it was never about that...it...”

Dave sat there expressionless and Aaron was surprised that he wasn’t shocked.

“I’m not shocked Aaron. I figured out a long time ago that there was something between you. Did Haley know?”

“Yes, and at first she understood. I realized what I was in college and she liked the previous person I had been with. Again, it wasn’t sexual, Thomas was also married and we both knew what we needed. But, she was jealous of Jason.”

Dave took a moment and Aaron was getting anxious about what his friend was going to say.

“I think it’s because for as smart as you two are, you were both unwilling to acknowledge what was between you. I know Aaron, I wasn’t stupid and I was almost sorry that I brought you into Jason’s orbit. The man, he may have been my best friend and I loved him like a brother, but Jason’s orbit eventually burns everyone and everything in its path. The two of you are more alike than you were ever willing to admit and when you met, I knew eventually one of you would hurt the other.”

_“Jason, Aaron Hotchner. I plucked him out of the wilds of the Seattle, Washington office. He’s brilliant, but he’s a lawyer, don’t hold that against him.” Dave teased as he introduced the two men._

_“I am honored to meet you Agent Gideon. I’ve read your paper, it’s brilliant and I look forward to working with you.”_

_“You may not feel like that in a year or two,” Jason teased, his eyes bright and his smile wide. Aaron tried not to get caught by the older man, but there was an enigmatic air to him that pulled at Aaron, wanting to know more about him._

_“I know how many people try to get into the unit, so I’m just happy to be here. Thank you both for this chance.” Aaron smiled and found it hard to pull away from Jason. He wanted to sit there and just talk to the man._

_“Why don’t you get a desk and I’ll start going over what else we do besides track down serial killers.” Dave eyed the two of them and Aaron felt the weight of Jason’s stare. Finally he broke the contact and turned to Dave._

_“That sounds good.”_

_“And I’ll introduce you to Max. This will be fun.” Dave chuckled as he led Aaron away from Jason and over to Max’s desk._

“Haley left too. The divorce papers were finalized the week I found out Jason was gone. She left me with Jack and I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.”

“Why didn’t you call me Aaron? You know I would have been there for you, whatever you need.”

“Because I need to do this on my own Dave. I need to figure out who I am as a father, Unit Chief, and...just everything. I think I lost a part of myself with Jason. I just need to push forward and I can’t do that with someone taking care of me.”

“Not taking care, Aaron, helping. Just a sounding board.”

“Thank you, but right now I just need space to put it back together. So...Jason’s office has been cleared and it’s ready for you.”

And like that Aaron closed down again. He knew he wouldn’t bring this up again, not even with Dave. He was right in that he needed to move forward, to heal and maybe, just maybe he’d feel whole again, but it would take time.

After opening up his blinds again and looking down at his agents, the men and women under his care, he knew they were all there for him if he just reached out, but even they were reeling and he needed to be the strong one, the leader they deserved. So, at that singular moment in time Aaron felt Dominant and strong. He would push on and forward, not for himself, but for them, those he cared about and who relied on him to lead them. Shoring up his resolve he turned around and walked back to his desk and sat down and got back to work. He hoped that eventually everything else would fall into place, but for now, he’d be what they needed, what his son needed and that was his strength and quiet compassion and care. Smiling to himself for the first time in the last few weeks, the pain not as bad, Aaron got back down to the business of moving on, as well as the business of hunting serial killers.


End file.
